Hi there 👋
It's Monday and you exactly know why i’m here in your inbox.
My first job out of school. I barely remember what I actually did there. But I remember my mentor turning to me one afternoon and going, "Narman, you need to learn to say No!"
I nodded like I got it. Inside I thought he was crazy. I was brand new, the only thing I had going for me was that I was easy to work with, which meant saying yes to everything. Why would I give that up?
Took me ten years to actually get what he meant.
Because easy was my whole thing growing up. Good kid at home, good student, good friend. And it worked. I'd walk into a birthday party and already have people waiting for me. Everyone liked having me around.
And then you grow up and the exact thing that made everyone love you starts eating you alive.
I used to rehearse for weeks how to say NO to one invitation. Weeks. For one sentence!! And at home it was worse. If I pushed back on anything big it meant I wasn't the good kid anymore. I wasn't the same Narman they gave birth to. You know how it goes down.
Here's the thing nobody told me though.
Every time you say Yes to something you don't want to, you feel relief right away. The knot in your stomach lets go, everyone's happy, it's over. That relief only lasts a couple seconds but your brain treats it like a reward. And our bestie brain has this habit of repeating whatever gets rewarded.
So the yes gets stronger. Every time.
And it's not even the person you're saying yes to that's making it stick. It's the relief. That's why it follows you everywhere. Work, friends, dating, all of it.
You didn't fail at this. You actually learned it really really well. Just the wrong thing, a thousand times over.
I had to teach myself the other way, late, and badly at first. And this is the part I didn't expect at all.
The relationships got better. All of them.
Because I only wanted things done a certain way because I valued the person.
You don't draw a line with someone you don't care about. When you don't care you just let it die quietly.
~ A boundary isn't a wall to keep someone out. It's what you build so they can stay 🤍
Your favorite part of the letter is here next:
You know that conversation you've been meaning to have with that one person in your life lately? Say the true sentence instead of the smooth one. Doesn't have to be a Rude or a Hurtful No. Could be “ I'd rather do it a certain way. ” Or respond saying “ Hey that landed wrong for me.” Or “ I need a day to think about it.”
Before you say it, write down what you think it's going to do to that relationship.
After you say it, write down what actually happened after that conversation.
One No at a time 🙂
With Love & Care,
Narman